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PostPosted: Thu Jul 07, 2016 9:52 pm 
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Ancient Dragon
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Before the old site was vaporized, we had a secret thread where we kept a record of the most amazing posts from throughout the forum. I miss that thread; so I'm bringing it back (and now it's open to everyone).

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Last edited by Mal on Thu Jul 07, 2016 9:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Thu Jul 07, 2016 9:53 pm 
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Ancient Dragon
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Epoa wrote:
You know Thrasher and Lancer and Vranser and Nix'em. Bombit and Putrid and Goner and Killson.
But do you recall, the most grotesque of them all?
Elskoth, the hybrid walker was compleated after all. And if you ever saw them, you would toss your lunch and balls. All of the other Walkers have interesting backstories. Except that dumb shit Beleren, cause he's verifiably insane.
Then one foggy Invasion Eve, Koth and Elspeth fought. Oil in the air that night, oh what a monster it wrought.
Then all the Walkers feared them. Called them a monstrosity.
Elskoth the phyrexian walker hybrid, we ship you canonically!

Epoa wrote:
Mal is too hot for ice.

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PostPosted: Thu Jul 07, 2016 10:52 pm 
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Elder Dragon
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i thought missing things was my job


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 07, 2016 10:53 pm 
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Grand Architect
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That'd be Rianad, close though

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PostPosted: Thu Jul 07, 2016 11:04 pm 
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Elder Dragon
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no, he's the secret mod


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 07, 2016 11:05 pm 
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We're all secret mods.

which reminds me that I need to get a few.

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PostPosted: Thu Jul 07, 2016 11:07 pm 
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Ancient Dragon
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The way my life is going I'm checking the forum almost all the time now. I would learn how to do it if you need some Mods Mox.

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PostPosted: Thu Jul 07, 2016 11:13 pm 
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nah I already have names in the hat, thanks for the dedication tho

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PostPosted: Thu Jul 07, 2016 11:16 pm 
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Ancient Dragon
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WHAT!? Are you saying I'm not cool enough to be a mod on your forum?

Well screw you Mox. I'm goin' home.

*walks out of thread*

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PostPosted: Fri Jul 08, 2016 3:31 am 
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you can't walk out of a thread, you can only stop stepping on it. It's too small to enter.

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PostPosted: Fri Jul 08, 2016 4:01 am 
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Ancient Dragon
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I.....I.....I.......

Moxen...... Do you want to become my Dinkleberg?

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PostPosted: Fri Jul 08, 2016 4:15 am 
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No because I am superior to you, how do you expect to have a rivalry with a man who can completely destroy you

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PostPosted: Fri Jul 08, 2016 4:18 am 
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Spamslayer Dragon
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...apt thread title?


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PostPosted: Fri Jul 08, 2016 9:11 am 
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Elder Dragon
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Mal wrote:
Fruits are like breasts. Being low hanging does not make them bad.


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PostPosted: Fri Jul 08, 2016 9:13 am 
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Ancient Dragon
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Moxen wrote:
No because I am superior to you, how do you expect to have a rivalry with a man who can completely destroy you

Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 14, 2016 8:28 am 
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Golgari_Spy wrote:
Arsonist wrote:
Saw this in the "trash talking thread' on mtg reddit.

I'm still giggling.

GERALF'S TO DO LIST
1. TRAP EMRAKUL IN MOON
2. KILL THE MOON
3. RAISE ELDRITCH MOON AS ZOMBIE
4. MAYBE THROW SOME EXTRA ARMS ON THERE?
5. WIN SCIENCE
6. RUB IT IN GISA'S STUPID FACE

finally, reddit did some good

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PostPosted: Fri Aug 05, 2016 9:09 am 
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Arsonist wrote:
Arix wrote:
I have a serious case of nose goblins right now.

ARSONIST!


"Command, this is eagle one, the package has landed."

"As a reminder, all privates will use the designated code packages."

"But they're so stupi-"

"ALL. PRIVATES. WILL USE. THE DESIGNATED. CODE PACKAGES."

".... Auntie, this is nutdrool and I've pooped the bed."

"Command acknowledges."

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 16, 2016 8:36 pm 
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Ancient Dragon
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Golgari_Spy wrote:
Arix wrote:
I still remember a dream I had when I was very young, where I won a game show and then turned into a rock.

sounds like something japan would do

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 18, 2016 7:30 pm 
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Ancient Dragon
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Mal wrote:
AND NOW IT’S TIME FOR READING THINGS WITH MALICE, THE PART OF THE SHOW WHERE MALICE COMES OUT AND READS SOME THINGS.

*A set of heavy crimson curtains draw apart, revealing a large and heavily-padded wingback chair. Malice walks casually onto the stage, sits in the chair (which is ten times too big for him), and pulls a stack of crumpled papers from his belly pouch.*

Welcome, doods, to a very special episode of Reading Things with Malice. Today is “Shippers’ Sunday”, the day that I read a pile of juicy fanfics in which you doods ship various MtG characters. The stories I’ve selected for today’s episode all have one thing in common: the steamy couplings graphically described within them all result in the creation of new life. That’s a detail that is often left out of fanfic couplings; so we’re already off to a great start (more details are always better when it comes to this kind of stuff). Without further ado, let’s see who you doods are shipping today.

*Malice glances at the top paper in the stack.*

The first fanfic on my list is “Lonely Night Aboard the Weatherlight”, a well-written and intricately detailed tale in which HeraldBFC ships Hanna and Gerard. I can really feel the chemistry between these two characters—the mutual respect they share, the unspoken longing, the rising sexual tension, the unexpected but not unwelcome opportunity to be alone together…. Juicy stuff, Herald. Juicy stuff. It bothers me, though, that their son is such a wimp. I mean, unless he’s wearing some equipment or enchantment that increases his power, he doesn’t really do anything special. Hanna and Gerard deserved better.

*Malice tosses the crumpled sheet of paper aside and grabs the next page from the stack.*

Next is “Love Conquers All”, also by HeraldBFC. In this intriguing short story, Koth and Melira—who have escaped a pack of roving Phyrexian horrors by taking refuge together deep in New Phyrexia’s core—seek comfort in each other’s arms. One thing leads to another; and a few months later Melira gives birth to a son, a natural-born leader who goes on to defeat the Phyrexian scourge and return Mirrodin to its former glory using the power of music, free love, and mind-altering substances. Like he does in his previous fanfic, Herald provides the reader with plenty of graphic details. I can really feel Koth and Melira’s vulnerability as they huddle close, surrounded on all sides by Phyrexian monstrosities. I can really feel the tenderness, the intimacy, the passion. The ending is a little farfetched, though (I’m pretty sure that an infestation of evil semi-mortal monstrosities is not something that can be solved by sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll). I like how Ellephon is basically a mash-up of Koth and Melira. I don’t understand, though, why he’s Red/White instead of Red/Green.

*Malice throws the sheet of paper over his shoulder and looks at the next story on the stack.*

The next story I will read for you today is “Innistrad Heat”, wherein Nightwalker ships Sorin and Nahiri—a pairing that results in the near-complete destruction of their family and both their home planes. Nightwalker’s fanfic is excellently written, full of scintillating details, and actually makes a lot of sense. The whole “woman scorned” angle Nightwalker explores here does a better job of explaining the story of Eldrich Moon than anything WotC has produced. Sex is never simple; and Nightwalker’s tale revels in that fact. I have to admit that I really like the way these two characters interact in the story. Kess, besides basically being a combination of the two of them, is a bit of a mess; but that just adds to the drama.

*Malice tosses “Innistrad Heat” to the floor and begins reading the next page on the stack.*

This is “Garden of Otherworldly Delights” by Vigilance—an extremely graphic shipping of Nissa and…. And apparently some random unnamed elf dood. It must be one of those “character X reader” fanfics. I think I can get into that. I can’t repeat most of the story’s details here (they’re simply too pornographic); but I have to say that the result of the brief union between Nissa and Unnamed Elf Dood resulted in some very interesting progeny. Irya is an intriguing character; and I’d like to see what happens to her next (hopefully in a story that’s a little less “XXX” and a little more “PG-13”).

*Malice fans himself with a flipper—as if Vigilance’s story has caused him to overheat—as he moves on to the next story.*

This next fanfic was also written by Vigilance. It is titled “God of the Bedroom”, features Heliod, and is apparently also a “character X reader” story. I like to think of myself as an open minded dood; but this story was honestly a little too much for me. Some of the details were just…. Just too much. I get the feeling that Heliod in this story is a thinly-veiled representation of the author’s sexual prowess. We know your sexy, Vigilance. We get it. There’s no need to rub it in our faces….

*Malice blushes as his statement suddenly draws to mind on of the more graphic passages of the story. Malice stutters momentarily as he struggles to regain his composure.*

While the story itself definitely wasn’t my thing, I found the character of Eradios (Heliod’s son with the, um, reader) very fascinating. It seems odd, however, that the son of Helios doesn’t have any White in his casting cost.

*Feeling dirty, Malice tosses the paper away and reaches for the next one.*

This next story is entitled “Pleasure on the Plains”, was written by HeraldBFC, and features a short but wildly intimate shipping of Elspeth and Daxos. It focuses on the passionate love the two briefly share, the pain Daxos feels when he loses Elspeth to a jealous and spiteful sun god, and the difficulties he faces in raising their rebellious child alone. Like all of Herald’s fanfics, this one was extremely detailed. I found the pairing of Elspeth and Daxos to be rather wooden and unconvincing, though. Perhaps it was the brevity of the time they spent together. Perhaps it was the dissimilarity between them and their offspring (seriously, why is the son of a White character and a White/Blue character Black?). Whatever the reason, I just didn’t find their relationship believable.

*Malice turns to the next story on the ever-thinning stack.*

Here’s another fanfic by Nightwalker. It is titled “What Happens in the Laboratory Stays in the Laboratory” and features a graphic shipping of Gisa and…. Geralf? You know those two are siblings, right? That’s disturbing, even by prinny standards. And what is Ludevic doing in the story? How can I even describe this freaky three-way of necromancy? What did I just read? My eyes! My eyes! Someone bring me some brain bleach!

*Malice begins banging his head ruthlessly against the well-padded arm of the wingback chair in an attempt to knock the mental images conjured by Nightwalker’s story out of his mind. He suddenly slips from the chair, falls head-first to the stage, and knocks himself—mercifully—unconscious. He lays there, in a puddle of his own drool, for roughly twenty minutes. When he awakens, he climbs shakily back into the chair and—with a trembling flipper—throws Nightwalker’s disturbing fanfic away.*

I think it’s in everyone’s best interests if we just pretend that didn’t happen and move on to the next story.

*Malice grabs one of the few remaining papers.*

Here is “Ghouls will be Ghouls”, yet another triple-X-rated “character X reader” story from Vigilance that features….

*Malice quickly scans the story and lets out an audible sigh of relief when he sees that it features a female character.*

This story features a saucy love-fest between the reader and—thankfully—Gisa. It is as unashamedly graphic as his previous stories; but it actually features a bit of a plot twist. The side-story about the death and resurrection of Gisa’s son is actually very interesting. It’s interesting enough to draw some attention away from the debauchery that appears in the earlier chapters. Plus, it gives Vigilance the opportunity to write the line, “…which doesn’t stop Gisa from raising him, of course. Both as a parent and from the grave.” I wholeheartedly approve.

*Malice tosses “Ghouls will be Ghouls” away and reaches for the last paper on the stack.*

Now it’s time for the last story on my list. It was written by Nightwalker and entitled “Crouching Tiger, Hidden….

*Malice looks at the paper to make sure he is reading it right. He stifles a laugh as he continues speaking.*

“Crouching Tiger, Hidden Sausage” is the title of the story. It features a cleverly written and well developed love affair between Venser and Narset. I really like this pairing. It appeals strongly to two niche groups: Asian fetishists and sideburn fetishists. On top of that, it feels entirely believable. It’s not hard to imagine Venser randomly finding his way to Narset’s home on one of his many journeys, falling head over heels for this beautiful enigmatic woman, struggling with all his might to court her (fearing that he had failed only to learn that his struggles were the very thing that she found endearing), enjoying a brief yet passionate relationship with this mysterious beauty, then—drawn away by a war on a faraway plane—leaving her forever (spoiler alert: Venser dies). Of all the children introduced in these fanfics, Sentos is—to me, at least—the most believable. His abilities make sense given his parentage. He represents a unique and effective blending of Venser and Narset. Well done, Nightwalker. It’s almost enough to make me forgive you for that Gisa X Geralf X Ludevic nastiness. Almost.

We had some rough moments in this episode of Reading Things with Malice; but it looks like we ended things on a high note. That being said, I hereby declare that Sentos is my favorite new character introduced here today. I award my point to Nightwalker.

*Malice hops down from the huge chair, carefully walks around the puddle of drool in front of it, and exits the stage. The heavy crimson stage curtains slowly close, blocking the chair, the congealing pool of saliva, and the scattered pages from view.*

THIS HAS BEEN READING THINGS WITH MALICE. TUNE IN NEXT TIME TO HEAR MALICE SAY…

What do you mean it’s not Sunday? Why didn’t anyone tell me it isn’t Sunday? And where is that brain bleach I asked for?

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 18, 2016 7:41 pm 
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Elder Dragon
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malice's second career is clearly giving mtg porn appropriate names, those all fit perfectly


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